Can I Be Honest With You?

I just want to share part of my story. 

Maybe this will encourage you. Maybe it’ll make you think I’m crazy. 

I got married young. I had an okay example of marriage from my parents. My husband didn’t have a godly example, so we both had/have a lot to learn. My home life was a traditional one. Mom stayed home and Dad worked. My sister and I went to public school. We didn’t grow up in church. We didn’t have strong relationships with our family. We didn’t live close to most of them. We didn’t have a lot of money, so things like trips, vacations, internet, cable, and cell phones weren’t things we had. If we did, it wasn’t often. Sarcasm was my very fluent second language. “Giving someone a piece of my mind” was almost encouraged, as long as it was towards others and not my parents. Respect for them was demanded at all times. Dad was raised in the ’70s, and not much differed from how he was raised to how we were raised. I don’t fault my parents for anything. They were doing the best they could with what they had.

I was encouraged to have a career. At age 5, I wanted to be a nurse. Around age 12, I wanted to become a mechanic because Dad worked on our cars and I was always right there with him. It was easy for me, so why not make a career of it?

But under all of that, I wanted to be a wife and mother. Even at a young age, I knew there was something different about people that went to church, and I wanted to be like them. I wanted a husband that would wear a suit and go to church. At age 10, you just assume the suit would help. 🤣

Anyway, after we got married, our first child came. He was born three months early. Talk about an immediate curveball! I was still in school and trying to balance being a wife, homemaker, and now a new mom to a preemie. I was young. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I was afraid to fail. I felt like I was expected to know how to do all the things. 

I wasn’t. 

But we just put pressure on ourselves, don’t we? Our son was in the NICU for almost three months. When he came home, I was still trying to find a balance. I had bought into the 50/50 marriage idea. I wanted my husband to get up at night with our son and to do some cleaning. Nevermind that he worked 12 hour night shifts an hour away. Remember that fluent sarcasm and speaking my mind that I mentioned before? It was still a characteristic I had and hadn’t quite learned to control it yet.

I finally finished school a year after our son was born. Things got easier for a while. Until I started working about six months after graduation. My husband was on day shift at this point and I worked nights. We barely saw each other. For about three months, we saw each other in passing as I was coming in and he was leaving. Unless we both had the same day off. 

During this time, I remember getting upset because my husband didn’t “do enough.” 

Things were out of balance. But it was just life. We’d been married 18 months. We were just trying to get by, figuring things out a day at a time. We were not in church during this time. I was also stressed as a mom. I would get frustrated and even angry easily. Over little things. Often. Still struggling with that temper and sarcasm.

This wasn’t the mom I wanted to be. 

But I didn’t know how to stop it.

Fast forward and our son is 3-4 years old. We’re in church. And he’s found his stubborn will. We had MANY struggles. Finally, we met with our pastor. We didn’t know what else to do. Nothing seemed to work. 

I remember very clearly pastor looking at me and saying, “If you don’t stop getting angry, you’ll never get past this, he will be a teenager that you have no control over, and he will be at the Ranch.” 

The Ranch is our church’s ministry for troubled teen boys.

That broke me. I wanted to change. I wanted to be kind, patient, and gentle like the other moms. Sometimes I could. Sometimes, I’d still lose my temper. 

By this time, I was doing much better managing being a wife and mom, and working part time. But I didn’t fully realize my influence or responsibility. Sure, I knew to cook, clean, and do laundry. But spiritually, I was clueless.

Fast forward to present day.

We’ve stayed in church since then. I’ve been consistent in my devotions and Bible study. The Lord has grown me so much. My view and goals of my role as a woman, wife, and mother are completely different today than they were back then. 

At this point, we’ve been married for 15 years. 

We have both grown and matured. 

So, why did I share this with you?

To be open and honest. To let you know you’re not alone if you’re struggling. To let you know that I get it, and I’ve been there. When I share a post, or answer a message or comment, it’s not from a place of thinking I’m better than you. It’s never from a place of condemnation. 

My heart hurts for you because I know it doesn’t have to be this way. I KNOW what the Lord can do if we let Him. I KNOW being a wife and mother are the best jobs on the planet. I know your home can, and should, be a little heaven on earth. I know the joy of truly embracing the role God has given you. I want you to have that sweet fellowship with the Lord, your husband, children, and others. 

I want you to get to a place of not grumbling and getting upset over his socks on the floor, his beard shavings in your freshly cleaned sink, his boot prints on your freshly mopped floor, or his greasy handprints on the doorknobs. I want you to view your husband as an asset, a blessing, a gift from the Lord. Because he is. He is not a child, burden, or inconvenience. 

I want you to find joy in serving Jesus through serving your family. 

We’re called to be servants. 

When you get there, life is so sweet. 

I want you to admire, respect, and enjoy your husband again. I know it’s possible. We are not perfect. We still have room to learn and grow. But we’re not what we were 15 years ago, and for that I praise the Lord. 

Don’t let Satan have your marriage, or your mindset. 

Stay in the Word, stay close to the Shepherd, and let Him lead you in paths of righteousness. 

With Hope in His Service,

Heather