Ephesians 5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
Marriage is a constant balance of giving and taking, meeting in the middle so both spouses are pleased with the results and direction of the marriage. Some requests your spouse may have will not make sense to you. You may often find yourself thinking “what’s the big deal about that?” That is okay. One such thing in my marriage is the kitchen countertops. My husband prefers as little as possible to be on the counters. We both dislike clutter, however, my opinion of having a few things on the counters and his opinion are not the same.
So, I have to be intentional about what I allow to stay out. This may seem silly to you, but it is a simple way I show respect to my husband, by trying my best to honor his request.
Wife, respect is a very big deal to your husband. They thrive on respect. Your husband may be very respected at work, church, and among his friends. What a shame it would be that he didn’t have the same, or even more respect from his wife. Maybe you are thinking that your husband doesn’t do anything worthy of respect. Deciding if someone is worthy of respect takes a lot of time and energy. Even worse, we are imperfect humans with imperfect views. Our opinions and views change based on circumstances. God wants us to be consistent. We could never rightly judge this all of the time. God has taken care of this for you. The command to respect your husband has been given. God has decided that he is worthy of your respect, all you have to do is follow the command. Do not attempt to keep a record to see if your spouse has earned it. Husband, the same is true for you. Your wife thrives on love. This is just how God wired us. It is not up to you to decide if your wife is worthy of love for the same reasons it’s not up to your wife to determine if you are worthy of respect. God has given the command to love your wife, it is up to you to obey the command. Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Now, I hear the argument already that both spouses need both love and respect and that you can’t separate the two. You can. Most of us just haven’t been taught the difference. I understand what you mean.
I know that as wives, we think that showing love is showing respect. We do not understand how our husbands can love us and not respect us. We live in a society that says women must demand respect and men must stop being so masculine.
Just hear me out here. You can love your husband, keep a clean home, laundry, dinner on the table, and whatever form of love you want to throw in here.
Then when he says he would prefer you to not be friends with someone, that he doesn’t like the dish drainer staying out on the counter, or he doesn’t think the children should stay up past 8 pm, how do you react? Do you treat his requests as foolish and refuse to honor them? Ladies, this is how we love without respect. We do this more than we realize. If your husband has a request and you are doing the opposite when he isn’t around, you are not showing him respect. If you are saying that what he doesn’t know will not hurt him, this is not showing him respect.
If you say that this is your kitchen and if you want the dish drainer out, then it’ll stay out and he just has to get over it, you are not showing respect. This attitude shows others that he can be treated disrespectfully as well. We must be careful with our words and actions.
Husband, you thrive on respect. But you must acknowledge your wife’s need for love. All of that “emotional stuff” is not something you can just ignore. Again, these can be separated. If you are working, asking for her opinion on matters of the home, and keeping the checkbook balanced, but you are not spending quality time with her, you are operating in a business agreement. We appreciate all of those things mentioned above, however, we typically need meaningful conversation, we need you to listen, help with the children, physical touch, and other things that show love rather than only showing respect. Things that cater to her need alone of feeling like the most loved and appreciated woman in the world.
Take the time to ask what your spouse needs from you. Listen intently, without interruption, and work diligently to meet those needs. Remember, marriage is not just to make you happy. This is about both of you, modeling the love of Jesus and helping each other to grow closer to Him. If you are not willing to compromise and let go of some of your wants, this will not nurture your marriage and yield a healthy, godly relationship. As with anything else in life, you will reap what you sow. If you sow selfishness, pride, anger, and resentment, you will reap accordingly. Thankfully, the opposite is true. If you sow love, prayer, grace, and forgiveness, you will reap blessings and a marriage that lasts.
Trust the Lord with your marriage. His Word will not return void. His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. You can trust Him. Seek to honor the Lord and make your marriage a priority by choosing to love and respect your spouse.
Stay in the Word, stay close to the Shepherd, and let Him lead you in paths of righteousness.
With Hope in His Service,
Heather
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