Goodwill is defined as “friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude”
Philippians 2:3 reminds us, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” Taking a moment to think that maybe your spouse had a bad day, forgot, or had something else on their mind should be how we treat our spouse.
We must check our hearts when there is contention in our marriage. Proverbs 13:10 is clear, “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.”
You must learn to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Matthew 7:12 “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.” This is a concept we are taught in kindergarten, and we are quick to apply it to everyone else, other than our spouse. You must learn to change your thinking. This can be hard. Our flesh is great at self-preservation. Preserving our rights, wants, preferences, and reputation. Giving the benefit of the doubt and making excuses is not the same. Please understand that. The things most of us argue over are not huge, life-altering things. Learn to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Look at things from their point of view. Seek to understand rather than criticize. When you allow your thoughts to instantly jump to the worst possible conclusions, you are setting yourself up for many issues. You tend to believe your thoughts, and your actions spring from that. Often this is seen in a harsh tone, negative attitude, or even giving the silent treatment. Reacting this way not only says that your marriage is not a priority, but it also invites pride and Satan into your marriage. Both will bring division and destruction if left unchecked. Pride focuses on self, not the good of others, so we must weed it out before it takes over our marriage. Slamming doors, yelling, making accusations, and saying hurtful things intentionally will not help your marriage. These actions do not say “I love you and I want to work this out.” You are choosing to react to something that is not true, and your spouse is the one being punished for it. This is not fair to them or your marriage. Scripture warns us to guard our thoughts. God didn’t give us a list of things to think on just to fill up space in the Bible. Taking control of your thought life is vitally important. Learn to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Believe they have basic goodwill for you.
Philippians 4:8 says “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” God has given us plenty of guidelines to guard our thoughts. If you will choose to praise God for your spouse and how good they are to you, you will be surprised at how good things really are. I believe God wants us to be thankful spouses. Our thanks should be expressed in every area of our life, including our marriage.
Notice what Ephesians 5:20 says. “Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;” This is placed right before the Lord gives us the instructions for husbands and wives. You know the ‘dreaded’ submission message we ladies hear all the time? I am sure that if husbands and wives were thankful for one another and their marriage relationship, the commands in verses 21-33 would come much easier.
When we lose basic goodwill for each other, we begin to face contention over everything. It seems like we just can’t agree on anything at all, we’re never on the same page anymore. Then we begin to look outside of our marriage for peace, comfort, and validation. You’ve seen it. Satan LOVES this! He wants your marriage to end! Discontentment sets in and Satan is overjoyed. Did you know there’s a term for marriages that end just because the husband and wife can’t get along? The term most of us know is “irreconcilable differences.” The legal term is “no-fault divorce.” This is recognized as a legal reason for divorce. It seems getting divorced is easier than getting married, and it shouldn’t be this way. If we go through hours of counseling before marriage, why are we not doing the same before divorce? Some states even require counseling before marriage, but not before the divorce.
A basic internet search reveals the top situations that fall under irreconcilable differences:
Communication, finances/debt, children/parenting, family involvement, growing apart in interests and goals, religion, and sexual intimacy.
All of these topics are huge in marriage, and if we don’t know how, or choose not to address them biblically, we should not be surprised when the marriage fails. This is why we must know and follow God’s Word! He has addressed all of these issues for us already! Remember, EVERYONE deals with these. Do not believe the lie Satan throws at us that says, “You are the only one and something is wrong with you, that clearly this just won’t work out.” Satan likes to cause division and bring isolation. When these topics begin to cause tension, it feels easier to avoid them. Hoping they will “work themselves out”. They won’t. Let’s just go ahead and admit that. When we ignore these situations, we often begin to make them much bigger than they are. Leading to believing our spouse has their sights set on making us miserable. We focus on ourselves, believe we are the victim, and lose that view of basic goodwill for our spouse.
I firmly believe that in most of these situations, you can reach an agreement. There must be give and take in every relationship. All too often we refuse to budge and allow a compromise to be reached. Some things shouldn’t be compromised. However, I believe many areas can be agreed upon rather than divorcing over them.
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 13:10 “Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.” Is that not what most “irreconcilable differences” are? A matter of pride?
We refuse to think our spouse may be right or to think that a compromise can be reached so we are both satisfied with the outcome. We make things a much bigger deal than they may need to be. We want to be right and let our minds think that our spouse just wants us to be miserable. Believing they do not have basic goodwill towards us.
This is another reason we are to be praying and studying our Bible. God will guide. We must pray for wisdom for ourselves and our spouses. It is essential. Too often we refuse to pray because we know we are wrong. We make up our minds before we ever ask God for His mind about things. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 have become nice taglines on wedding invitations lately. It makes a cute rope tying ceremony after the vows are said. However, have we forgotten the reality and application of these verses? “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” These verses are used to show us our need for fellowship with believers; church attendance is essential. But I believe it can also represent our need of having God in the center of our relationships. All of them, not just marriage. If we walk with God, allow Him to be in the center of our marriage, then we have a much better chance of recognizing the attacks of our flesh and Satan.
We want our spouses to have basic goodwill for us, while we often refuse to give them the same. This is selfish and detrimental to your marriage. You will not create a thriving, loving, godly marriage if you choose to view your spouse through the lens of skepticism.
Stay in the Word, stay close to the Shepherd, and let Him lead you in paths of righteousness.
With Hope in His Service,
Heather
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